I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
