I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
