shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
