I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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