i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
