some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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