I think I won the penis lottery.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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