You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
