tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
