One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
