I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
