i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i barfeds in our rink
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
