We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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