i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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