Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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