When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
