k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
