did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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