You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Welp...herpes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
