i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
