Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
