Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
