Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
