Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
