His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
