allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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