They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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