Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
