so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
