Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
