The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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