Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
