My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
wow bdsm is so cute
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
