I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
