Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
