nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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