she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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