So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
