Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
