She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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