dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
