Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
