I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
