Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
