im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
