Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
