Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
time to smoke my breakfast
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
