We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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