3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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