Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
