he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
